


Seaside

by kurosuisen



Series: The light that never goes out [2]
Category: Dunkirk (2017)
Genre: Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-22
Updated: 2017-09-02
Packaged: 2018-12-18 18:46:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 19,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11880570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kurosuisen/pseuds/kurosuisen
Summary: Farrier being gone never seemed right to him. He couldn’t believe that the day when the fate smiled to so many people was the day when the fate laughed at Farrier’s life.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [thrandymajestic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thrandymajestic/gifts).
  * Translation into 中文 available: [[授翻]海岸](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11974878) by [ophelia0306](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ophelia0306/pseuds/ophelia0306)



> I'm not a native user of English and it's been awhile since I used it to write something so complex. Be forgiving, please - but I don't mind getting some language notes ;)
> 
> Also - special thanks to [GrandDukeForever](http://archiveofourown.org/users/GrandDukeForever/works), the author of a few works in Dunkirk's fandom - I use names given to the characters by this author because somehow I think they are accurate and... good ones.

Everyone around tried to act as if the war didn’t happen. Everyone around avoided the topic, because they hadn’t been where he had been, because they hadn’t seen things that he had seen. They walked around him on eggshells, trying not to mention the topic, as if they had expected him to break down at any word.

He would not break down, because a part of him has already been broken for years.

The part that broke down the moment he realized that Farrier was gone. He was watching his plane gliding through the sky and realized that the man was too cautious to land close to the beach where everyone were gathered. By that time he probably didn’t have any fuel left, so he had to control the machine precisely to make it land far from their people, not to hurt anyone.

He had hopes back then. He tried to make himself believe that the man he had been always admiring could not be dead just like that. He tried to reassure himself that the man like him was able to survive even if the hordes of enemies were surrounding him.

But another years of war had passed and Farrier was never back.

Sometimes he caught himself thinking that Farrier was alive somewhere. It was making him angry and helpless as well, because he knew that the world torn by war was too big to look for him. So he lived on, cherishing the memories of the man. The man to whom he didn’t have enough time to show the amount of love he had for him.

There was one particular memory that he liked to recall. The one that happened the same day they got the only photo of them taken.

It was a sunny day in the middle of April. A middle of spring with green plants and colorful flowers everywhere, even around their bleak air training center. Farrier used to say that spring was the only season he liked. He used to deny that it was because everything was starting to grow again during spring. He used to say that it was because spring was making him full of energy which was actually the same for Collins.

On that day they went to swim in the lake for the first time that year. The water was as cold as ice, but Farrier didn’t care.

‘You’ll end up sick and I won’t be the one nursing you!’ Collins shouted at him, stopping at the edge of the pier, just on time to be splashed with water, when Farrier decided to jump to the lake for the second time.

The water surface calmed down after awhile and all he had heard was silence. He frowned and kneeled on the wooden planks, upset at first. But after a few seconds, when the water remained calm, he felt a little concerned. What if he was right and the water was too cold? What if the lake was too shallow…?

‘William…?’

Farrier jumped out of the water and before Collins had enough time to react, he felt the man’s hand clutching around his wrist and the next second he was already in the water. He should had been expecting that.

‘Then who’s gonna nurse me, Fin?’ the older man laughed, teasing him, but Collins could only focus on trying to catch a breath with ice cold water around making him shiver.

Seeing the other one trembling, Farrier had to agree that maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t the best idea to drag him into the water, but he would never admit that aloud. Gently, he put his arms around Collins’ as if it could help when they were both drenched to the skin. The only help Farrier could offer was to keep the other one above the surface of the water.

‘Not me! Only a fool like you would bath in a cold water like this so I’m not going to nurse you…’ replied the blonde man, still trembling visibly.

If Farrier had a slightest idea to tease him a little more, a light blow in the stomach told him it wasn’t such a bright thing to do. He sighed and let the other man go, watching as Collins swim to the pier and climb up on it. The man sat on the edge and took the wet shirt off, looking away. Farrier had known him better than that to believe that he was offended by his actions. Slowly, he left the water and took a sit by his side.

‘I like when your hair are like that, Fin’ he said, watching a little smile forming at the blonde’s lips.

‘Wet and standing up in different directions? Weird source of attraction…’ Collins blurted out, biting his lips. Farrier liked to watch him doing that.

‘Do you call yourself weird, Fin?’ he asked and leant a little, raising his hand as if he wanted to whisper something into Collins’ ear. Instead, he placed a subtle kiss on the other’s cheek, watching as he turns red.

‘Don’t call me Fin’  Farrier only laughed at the words, surprised that even after all this time, Collins still was so easily annoyed by this short version of his name. ‘Hungry?’

Farrier only nodded and was watching how the younger one pull out a paper bags from his backpack. One for himself, one for Farrier. Carefully, the older man unfolded the paper and tasted what seemed like pancakes.

‘Peanut butter? Where’d you get it, Collins?’ he asked, confused.

‘The cook. She likes me’ the blonde man laughed and also unfolded his bag, starting eating.

‘Why I can’t be the one who always gets the best snacks from the kitchen?’

‘I don’t know. Maybe the hair?’ Collins rolled his eyes and laughed at him. Farrier, on the other hand, was silent for a few seconds before he smiled and nodded at his words.

‘Yeah. That must be the hair.’

The sun rose up to the sky and the air became a little warmer, so that they could sit together, slowly getting dry on the pier, enjoying the Sunday morning. The only thing they should have done on Sunday was to go to the church for a mess, but they ignored that not for the first time so that they could have some precious time only for themselves. They were eating their late breakfast in silence, watching the wind creating the small tides on the lake surface, just enjoying each other’s company. Time had passed and they were just holding their hands, hidden between them for no one to see this gesture, both lost in different thoughts.

‘You know… I grew up in a town by the sea’ Farrier whispered and the younger one flinched, surprised, when he felt the other one’s hand on his back. For a moment he wanted to say something, but instead he stayed silent, waiting for the man’s next action. He didn’t move away when Farrier cuddled against him. ‘Somehow I always find myself missing the seaside. I’d like to see the sea again, Collins.’

His voice sounded calm as always, but there was some anxiety hiding behind those words. They’d never spoken about their families or childhood before, too busy with terrible present of the war.

‘We will go by the seaside together when it all ends. I promise, William.’

Farrier looked at him and smiled, but something felt off about this smile. Collins had never asked what was wrong then. He just let the other one kiss him deeply, almost desperately and didn’t protest when he felt the older pilot caressing his body – slowly, as if he was afraid of hurting him which he never had done.

Back then it had never crossed Collins’ mind that he would consider the sea Farrier’s grave.

*

Shortly after the war had ended, he decided to visit Farrier’s family home. He decided to give his family some of the older man’s things that was left. He hadn’t expected to meet him there and he didn’t. He only met his mother. Farrier never mentioned any other member of his family so Collins concluded that he was the only child. The woman’s face features suggested that she wasn’t old, but the worry made her hair go gray. She was left all alone in this small house. There was no trace of anyone else at the house.

‘Are you that boy?’ she asked and Collins looked at her, confused.

‘Excuse me…?’

‘William didn’t know how to keep secrets from me’ the woman answered and he noticed the painful expression on her face. The sorrow made her look older. ‘He never had a father to talk to, so instead… He talked to me. Since the beginning of his pilot training he had been writing letters to me. One letter a month. One month his letters have changed the tone. He never used a name, he was too smart for that. He never wrote any details of how your relationship looked like, but for me it was obvious.’

He bit his lips, trying to read her. She didn’t seem as if she was seeing this relationship as something wrong. It made him uneasy. Farrier was her only child – which mother would agree to the fact that her son loved a man? His own mother was expecting him to get married, start a family and have many kids. She would never accept the idea of her son having any feelings for other man. This woman seemed reconciled to who her son was.

‘Was he brave?’ she asked him, looking at him with her eyes full of hope.

Collins didn’t have to lie about that.

‘He was the bravest man I’ve ever met, Ms. Farrier’ he replied, putting his hand on top of her small hand. She gave him a little smile and he realized that he had seen this smile before. Behind those tired features, was a similarity to the man he missed so much. ‘William’s actions saved thousands of lives in Dunkirk’ he reassured her. Did she believe him? He knew that some parents were told that their sons were heroes when they weren’t, but Farrier… He believed he was a hero. ‘If it wasn’t him, I would have not survived on that sky.’

He reached out for his bag and put a small package between them. The notebook, some documents, flying goggles, two books, and one medal – he packed everything in a paper so that it would not get damaged during his trip from Scotland.

‘He had feelings for you, boy. You need those things more than I do’ she said and gently moved the package in his direction.

He blinked at her words, unsure of what to say. He decided to leave her documents and the medal. He promised himself to read the books Farrier had left, wondering whether those books meant something or they were just meaningless ones. He was actually relieved to keep the goggles. He wore them once during a battle. He had felt safer thanks to it. He wanted to keep it, but it didn’t seem right before.

After the talk she invited him to stay for a dinner, saying that he had long road before him. She gave him one photo that must have been taken for documents before it all started. She said Farrier had never wanted to be a pilot. Before the war he started studying chemistry. He joined the army because he wanted to protect his country like his father did. The father he never met because of the war.

Farrier’s family home was indeed close to the seacoast. The man didn’t lie about it. From the window of his room he could see the rocky shore. The books, the pictures, the posters, the notes… Everything was laying there, in his room, as if he had just left day before. He smiled, looking at some of chemistry notes – he didn’t understand a thing of it.

*

Farrier being gone never seemed right to him. He couldn’t believe that the day when the fate smiled to so many people was the day when the fate laughed at Farrier’s life. He never reconciled the fact that he lost him.

Some part of him believed that he acted foolish when the first thing he did was to rush to the coast when he had heard that the British captives from French areas occupied by German’s were brought back to the country. The other part of him remembered about the seaside promise.

Luckily the towns on the coast had the resources prepared to keep so many people that needed a help. The hospitals and other facilities were organized to help the captives and then sent them home if they had any home left.

Collins got to the cost by train. He got the list of the facilities that was taking care of captives and rented a car after he realized that there wasn’t any trace of Farrier in London. He decided that he would check all the other facilities around the capital city. And if he won’t find him, he would go back to Farrier’s hometown with desperate hope that he would be there – alive in one piece.

He visited bigger and smaller towns and no trace of Farrier. He expected those facilities to have any records of soldiers under their care, but it turned out that the personnel had just started preparing the documentation and usually he had to ask a lot of questions to find out anything, he had to check some of the patients by himself to see that none of them even slightly reminded the man he loved.

He wasn’t the only one looking for someone and most of the personnel in facilities he visited were making him feel that he was bothering them with his desperate searching.

It took him four days to go through those towns and the hope was slowly fading in him, but he had some places left to check. Farrier didn’t give up when there was no fuel in his plane left, why would he give up just because he was tired?

He stopped at the town that was one of five places left on his list. The nurse in charge frowned at his questions. She had waved at him to be quiet, so he bit his lips, watching her going through the folder of files, muttering something to herself. He looked around and bit his lips again at the view of the man younger than himself,  with eyes so empty as if he was already dead. Would Farrier look the same if he was still alive…?

‘Mister Collins… Could it be Feurier…?’ the lady asked politely.

He turned around, feeling as if there was no air in his lungs left. Was it him? Or was it just a mistake? Slowly, he looked at the files, on the spot she was pointing at, and he felt his eyes watering. The last name was totally wrong. The file said _William Fitzhugh Feurier_ and he believed that the world would be against him if it turned out that it was someone else. He clenched his fists, trying to say anything. He didn’t even see what was written next to his name.

‘Where… Where is he? Can I see him _now_?’

She looked as if she was considering something, but nodded at his question. She asked the other nurse to take care of a boy he noticed before and took a bunch of keys from the shelf to lead him upstairs.

‘We keep them locked, sir. Some of them are dangerous… For people around and for themselves as well. That’s why we keep them alone in their room. For their safety. We didn’t accept a lot of captives because we want to keep those poor souls safe. I believe that mister Farrier is stable, but… Rules are rules.’

The nurse knocked at the door and then turned the key to open it slowly. Quietly she pushed the door and looked inside.

‘Good morning, mister Farrier. You have a visitor, I believe’ she said slowly as if she was speaking to a child. It made Collins uneasy. Was it Farrier? Was it Farrier he knew? ‘Mister Collins is here to speak with you. I’ll leave you two for now.’

Collins had heard a choked sound behind the door and the moment the woman let him inside, he realized that all he had been hoping for years became reality. The world stopped the moment their eyes met. The same eyes he remembered for years. Exhausted, but not empty.

‘You. It’s you’ he whispered, shocked. Nothing smarter, nothing more accurate came to his mind as he was studying the lean form of the man laying in the bed. He was never that thin. ‘T-they… They wrote your last name wrong. So wrong… And I-I… I was afraid it won’t be you…’

‘Me. It’s me, Fin’ he replied slowly. His voice sounded hoarse. He pull out his hand in Collins’ direction. Left hand.

It took Collins a few seconds before he was able to approach him. Farrier’s hand felt the most real thing in the world when he took it in his own hands.

‘I thought you’d move on. I’ve never wanted you to, but… I thought you would’ he said, biting his lips and looking away. Only for a few seconds, as if he couldn’t miss the opportunity to look at the person that kept him alive all these years. ‘And you’re here.’

‘I’m here. You’re here’ whispered Collins, raising his hand a little to kiss it gently as if he was carrying something precious. ‘When would I move on if the war was barely finished? I… I thought I’d find you.’

All it took to make Collins’ eyes water again was a slight smile on Farrier’s pale lips. He wanted to ask what they did to him and why he could notice scars on his neck and arms, but he didn’t want this smile to fade away.

‘Are you okay? Can you move? Do you have to be here? Can I take you from here? Do you need to stay? Where do you want to go?’ he blurted out all those questions without taking a breath, without a single thought and then bit his lips, feeling the blush on his cheeks getting darker. He should have been more reserved.

‘So many questions… Slow down, Fin. Please’ he said and lifted his hand to comb his hair. He leaned a little closer, to brush his lips against Collins’. The younger man felt the shiver down his spine. ‘I can move, I just… I can barely move my right hand. It was broken so many times that I can’t even count. It’s been broken again.’

Collins was silent for a moment, processing those words and trying not to ask other questions that came to his mind, one after one.

‘I wonder if it’s only me they don’t let go out alone. I… I feel as if I was sent from one prison to another, Collins.’

The man’s voice was calm, but there was some fear hiding deep down his eyes. That moment and those words made Collins realize that Farrier wasn’t as good as he seemed to him the beginning. The younger man didn’t answer, just sighed heavily and took Farrier in his arms, keeping the pilot safely close to himself. When Farrier wasn’t doing anything for a long seconds, he thought that he might do something wrong. He was about to move away, when he had felt the man’s body trembling. For a moment he didn’t know how to react, but he didn’t need thinking much to hug him harder, gently brushing the skin on the man’s neck with his parted lips. It hurt him to hear the muffled cry, so he did everything to keep him closer, gently caressing his back, trying to calm him down.

‘You made it.. I-I… I was never sure if you really made it. And I… I love you, Fin. I love you so much…’ even Farrier’s voice was trembling. There was some tears that he felt on his skin. He was a mess and Collins felt as if seeing this man so broken was tearing his heart into pieces. ‘You knew I did, right?’

‘I knew. I’ve always known, William’ he replied, caressing his neck with warm breath. He had always known.

This seemed to calm him down a little. His lean arms was still trembling, but the cry seemed a little quieter.

‘Take me out. I don’t want to be here, Collins.’

Collins bit his lips. He himself had felt as if he had big cube of ice shoved down his throat. He should have expected that whatever had happened to the man he loved would leave an imprint on his precious mind. He moved away a little, just to kiss his forehead. It hurt just to look at his pained expression, but he couldn’t look away. Not now, when the older man needed him.

‘I will get you out, William’ Collins whispered. The younger pilot lifted his hand and gently and started stroking Farrier’s hair gently. The blonde man didn’t remember Farrier’s hair to ever be that long. ‘Probably not today, but you have my words that I will not let you stay here even a minute longer than it’s necessary.’

Farrier nodded and rested his head on Collins’ arm. His heart was still beating violently in his chest, but his lean body stopped shaking when he clutched his hands in blonde’s shirt. He nodded again, not saying anything, just needing the other one to keep him as close as he could.

*

It had turned out that getting Farrier out was not as easy as he was hoping. He couldn’t just go to the owner of facility and say that he’s going to take care of him. He had to stay there for at least a week, before the stuff made sure that Farrier was ready to go out.

Collins was amazed to see that even though Farrier had his moments, those moments never appeared before eyes of the people other than him. As if he was the only one he trusted so deeply to let the terrified self out.

Collins returned the car he rented and decided to stay in a small guesthouse in a neighboring town. The bus to his destination was leaving only twice a day - the bus to go back was leaving early on the afternoon, so usually he went back with one of the workers from the health center or some young man working at the farm nearby. He stayed with Farrier for as long as he could. He had days when Farrier could sit with him saying not even a word for hours. And sometimes he talked. Although he never mentioned any of the events he faced during a war.

‘Could you give me a cigarette?’ he asked, sitting on the windowsill and looking at the world behind the window. He often complained about the view from the window.

‘You know I don’t like it when you smoke’ replied Collins, but he checked his pockets to give him a package of cigs and the box of matches.

Farrier thanked him quietly and open the window. On the first day he did that, Collins was irrationally scared that he would jump out of the window. It was a stupid thought – he would always give him a cigarette, and everytime he did that, he could watch as Farrier’s body relax a little. It was a good thing to see. Even if it had been only for a short time

‘You were the one who started smoking’ Farrier rebuked him and lit the cigarette and slowly inhaled the smoke.

‘Yes, but it was years ago’ Collins snorted at his words. ‘It doesn’t count. And I don’t smoke anymore.’

‘It does count, Fin. Now you know what I’ve felt when you kissed me after smoking’ the man laughed and before the younger pilot had time to say something smart, he felt his hand on his neck when Farrier had pulled him closer for a kiss. Collins gasped at his actions and it took him a few seconds before he returned the kiss, ignoring the fact that once again he didn’t enjoy the taste of the cigarettes on the older one’s lips. Enjoying the taste of his lips was enough.

*

It took eleven days before Collins finally had heard the voice of approval from the owner of the health facility. He was sure that if they had seen Farrier’s trembling at some thoughts he didn’t want to share with him, they would never agree to let him out. But he had never told them that something was wrong, deciding that he would care for him by himself, in a place where Farrier would feel safe. The older pilot kept repeating that he felt as if he was in prison so it made him sure that he would have never felt better staying here.

‘We’re leaving, William’ he announced, walking into the small room. He shivered at the cold air inside. Farrier constantly kept the window open even though the weather outside was going worse and worse every day.

One sentence was all he needed to see his lover’s eyes lit up slightly. Suddenly he lost interest in the book he was reading just a moment ago.

‘I will help you dress up, okay?’

Farrier blinked his eyes, looking at him with disbelief. Since they’d met, Collins hadn’t seen his exposed body even for a moment. The man didn’t want the other to see the state he was really in even though that was inevitable at some point.

At the back of his mind he had this thought that he was too broken to disturb the peaceful life the younger one must have had without him. But he couldn’t make himself protest as he watched Collins taking out the clean clothes that he must have bought in the town, from his bag. He nodded slowly.

‘Can you get up, love?’

Farrier froze at the words. It’s been ages since he had been called like that. He had nodded at his words again, but appreciated the help, when the taller man wrapped his arm around him to help him sit. He felt his heart beating faster the moment Collins grasped the edges of his shirt. And it was nothing like the feeling he had remembered from years ago, when every single touch would make him shiver. He was scared this time. And he wasn’t breathing when the blonde pulled up his shirt to see his scarred body. Most of the scars were deep. Just looking at them was enough to imagine how painful they must have been.

‘Does it still hurt?’

Farrier looked up and shook his head. He was expecting to see some kind of disgust on his beautiful face, but he didn’t see any of this. There was only anger and grief on Collin’s face. The younger man leaned closer to kiss one of the oldest scars gently and then slowly trace it with his lips, careful not to touch the ones that still seemed new ones.

‘I love you’ Collins whispered and got up to help him dress up in a clean shirt. He helped him with the trousers then and smiled, watching him. He would never say it aloud, but he was happy that he didn’t meet him like he met some other soldiers – lifeless, with those broken and empty eyes. He knew he would fight to make him alright, but he couldn’t bear the thought of having him like that. He was relieved to see that there was some life left in those blue eyes and he was supposed to be the one who would make him happy again. ‘I wish it would have never happened to you, love.’

Farrier’s steps were slow when he followed him downstairs. He clutched the book he was reading before in his hands, but Collins didn’t ask about it yet. The younger man stopped behind him when Farrier finally stepped outside. He watched him taking a deep breath and realized that the man he loved finally felt free again.

‘Where do you want to go?’ asked  Farrier when they got to a car.

Collins started an engine and took the man's hand in his own, smiling.

‘The closest seaside first, love. And then home. I’m not the only one that missed you.’


	2. Chapter 2

Farrier had tried very hard to stay awake during they journey, but looking at the landscape outside the car made him sleepy. Collins glanced at him once in a while, observing as the man’s head fall down to the sides and he wakes up, confused. Farrier being so tired was somehow sudden for the younger one, but he came to realization that the other man probably had this all exhaustion weighing on his shoulder for days.

‘Did you even sleep there?’ Collins asked.

Farrier rubbed his eyes and closed them for a few seconds before he looked directly at him.

‘Barely’ he answered shortly, muttering under his breath.

Collins hummed at the words and looked at the clock. It was early, barely noon. Where they had been it wasn’t far from the sea so he made a quick decision. He checked if the road behind was clear and slowed the car down to turn back.

‘You’re not taking me back, aren’t you?’ Farrier’s voice sounded as if he wanted to make those words a joke, but some tension was visible in his eyes. Collins clenched his hands harder on the steering wheel shocked by his question. Even if it was supposed to be some bad joke, it made him wonder whether there was some slight fear in Farrier left. Did he was afraid of him leaving?

‘No, love. Didn’t I promise to take you out of there?’ he smiled slightly and took the older one’s hand in his own to kiss it gently before he focused back on the road before them. ‘I want you to get some decent sleep. The sea won’t be gone if we’ll see it later, but you… You will be better if you get some sleep.’

Farrier opened his mouth as if he wanted to protest but instead he nodded slowly, still looking at his hand just where the other man had kissed him. It took Collins two days to realize that those small gestures worked on the older man better than everything else. The soft touch of fingers on his neck seemed to comfort him more than hundreds of words. Sometimes he was just closing his eyes, focusing on the subtleness of the touch. Just like in that moment in a car, when a barely visible smile crossed his lips.  He probably didn’t even know he was smiling.

He fell asleep again shortly after and didn’t wake up before Collins stopped the car at the small parking place next to the guesthouse he rented a room for more than a week. The man already knew this place and decided it was better to stay there than to look for some other place to spend the night.

He got out from the car and walked around it to open the door. Farrier didn’t wake up when he was fastening the seatbelt. He was exhausted by everything he went through and even though one night of sleeping could not make everything all right, it was still better than nothing. There was no rush, he decided.

‘Open your eyes, please’ the blonde man whispered. It took Farrier a few seconds to do it and he didn’t exactly look as if he was awake. ‘Come on, let’s get you out of here.’

The younger pilot helped the man step out of a car and put his around his waist to help him with those few steps they had left before they enter the guesthouse.

‘Mister Collins? Already back?’ asked the receptionist lady at the sight of him. ‘Is your friend okay?’

One look was enough to notice that Farrier was not, so Collins nodded, giving her apologetic look. He reached to the pocket in his jacket for some cash, simply asking for a room with two beds. He wasn’t in the mood for any chit-chat that the lady started practically every day. His mind was too preoccupied about Farrier’s condition. The pilot seemed like he was barely standing on his feet when Collins was helping him go upstairs on the second floor. The room they got was small cosy, but the beds were as narrow as he expected. Too narrow for the two to sleep there comfortable, but still more comfortable than the bunks they had in the air force training base.

‘Let’s get you out of this shirt’ he said, closing the doors behind them.

He noticed how Farrier flinched a little at his touch but let him take the shirt and trousers off. This time the man didn’t see how he bit his lips, looking at the scars on his back. He hated the fact that Farrier had to live through all of these when he should have glide across the blue sky with his Spitfire until the end of the war, like Collins did. He laid the older man down with no words and covered him with a blanket, watching as the other curl up into an embryo position. Once again Farrier seemed so vulnerable in his eyes.

It hurt to see him like that.

The older pilot must have noticed the change on his face, but he didn’t say anything. Instead, he slowly patted the empty place beside him, waiting for Collins to lay by his side. In the health facility where the other man had found him, they never did that, afraid that someone could come inside without even knocking. Here, behind the locked door of the small room, they could finally fill up the need of a touch and intimacy with no worries that someone would discover the real nature of their relationship.

Collins nodded and also took his shirt off to lay down behind the other man and gently embrace him. Farrier was silent, but he cuddled so close beneath him, that the other one could practically feel his heart beating. Collins covered the man’s hand with his own and cradled his face in the curve of the pilot’s neck. He caressed the older man with all the gentleness he could find in himself. Slowly, he outlined the scars he could feel on the other’s skin, with his fingertips. Different size, different shape, and different colour – they were made in different time and probably all had some history behind. Collins wasn’t sure whether he wanted to know the story of his scars or just have the hope that one day those thoughts will not occupy the older man’s mind.

As Farrier fell into a shallow sleep, Collins was struck with the realization that the last time he had felt Farrier’s so close was the night before the Dunkirk when they sneaked from their bunks to watch the starlit night together on the roof of the hangar – kissing, talking, drinking terrible red wine that Farrier got somehow and wondering of their life after the war. That night Collins would never guessed that he would be the only one coming back. It was his third serious mission during the war and Farrier was the one who had to comfort him, saying that he was too good to fail this mission.

He wasn’t too good. It was just Farrier who was too brave.

The older man’s sleep seemed so peaceful that somehow Collins had found himself sleeping against him. With lips on his neck, with hand clenching his hand hard, with their limbs entangled tightly because finally they were in the right place close to each other, finally they could feel as if they were one.

The dark clouds covered the sky and it took only one violent rumble of thunder to wake Farrier up. He was trembling again, his breath was heavy. Collins couldn’t recall ever seeing him being afraid of the thunder.

‘Shh… It’s only a thunder, love’ he whispered quietly into the man’s ear and leaned to kiss his shoulder, embracing him with his arms.

‘It’s not a thunder. It’s the noise’ Farrier replied. His voice was barely audible and Collins was about to mindlessly ask what about that noise, but the man continued. ‘They tried to break us. With the noise’ slowly he took the other one’s hand in his own and covered his ears with it when the sounds of the thunder outside didn’t stop. When the flash lightened up the room, he bit his lips as if anticipating to a clap of the thunder’s sound. Two seconds. The thunder was getting closer, so the sound was louder than before. ‘I think they were testing the strength of it on us. How long does it need to be, how strong to kill, how strong to make us talk… That sound… So loud that it seemed piercing through your brain. As if someone put thousands of needles in your brain, in your whole body. I can’t hear well with my left ear anymore.’

Collins gasped at his words, suddenly hit with realization of how the man asked would him to sit on his right side or tilted his head to the right sight when the blonde was speaking. He felt embarrassed that he didn’t even notice the signs of Farrier having hearing troubles.

‘They left us in the open field. Each group set in a different distance from the source of that sound. At the beginning more people died. Those who were closer, usually. Or the weakest ones. I was far from it. Did you know that the sound can kill? I think I’ve never thought of that.’

The younger one wanted to say something. He wanted to find some words to comfort him, but there weren’t any words he could use to make him forget what he experienced. It was the first time Farrier really opened up about his time under custody of Germans and Collins had already felt lost about how he should have comfort him. He was willing to listen to every word, hoping that his presence and all the warmth he could give to the older man would make it hurt a little less.

‘You’re here. You made it back and that’s the most important thing, love’ Collins whispered and kissed the little spot on the back of his neck, the place he remembered the man to be particularly sensitive. It made the other man shiver.

‘You kept me alive, Fin’ the younger couldn’t help but smile slightly, hearing him using this name again. Only Farrier was using that so it’s been a long time since he heard that. ‘You’re good at keeping me alive, Fin. Keep me sane as well.’

‘I… I-I will. You know I will, right?’ he looked up at the other man and gently tilted Farrier’s head in his direction to look him in the eyes. The older pilot was never best at hiding his emotions from him. He could keep his face still, but those eyes were revealing all his lost and all his trust in the man who kept him in his arms.

Collins kissed the other man’s lips, softly as if he was afraid that Farrier would shatter into pieces at the too rapid touch. He was glad to feel that even though the next lightning pierced the sky and its sound echoed the room, the other man remained quite calm.  What Collins didn’t expect was Farrier to deepen the kiss eagerly. He tried to keep back for a moment, but the other one didn’t let him, running his fingers through his light hair.

‘Keep me sane, love’ the other man whispered in his mouth and gently bit his lips.

The younger man looked in his eyes, for a moment not sure how to react. He needed this moment to remind himself how he didn’t want the other people to walk around him on eggshell. Even the impression of normality was all he had needed after he came back from war. He couldn’t treat his lover the way other people treated him back then.

Behind the window heavy rain started hammering at the glass, blurring the view of the thunder.

The breath Collins felt on his lips becoming heavier made him almost intoxicated. The next look into sky-coloured eyes of the older man made him shivered. The blonde man grabbed Farrier by his neck, crashing his lips into a passionate kiss, leaving him breathless. The older one gasped for the air and turned back to pull Collins closer, so close that there wasn’t any space between them left.

Another longing kisses made them both almost feverish. The air coming through the open window was cold comparing to the touch of their impatient hands when they were taking the rest of their clothes off. Even if just a few hours ago Farrier seemed to be abashed about his body, when he could finally feel the other’s naked skin on his body, it wasn’t bothering him anymore.

Collins gasped when suddenly he had found himself on top of his lover. They calmed down a little, both trying to catch breaths. Farrier laid his intense gaze on him, slowly following every detail of his body, frowning at the scars he couldn’t remember because they were left after they broke apart. He raised his hand to slowly trace the dark, wide scar left by a bullet on Collin’s side. His eyes darkened a little with some anger, as if he was feeling guilty that he wasn’t there to prevent it from happening. He remained calm and pulled up on his hands, just to kiss the small scar on the other one’s collarbone.

‘Come on, Collins’ he whispered with a husky voice. ‘I need you.’

Collins wasn’t responding for a few seconds mesmerized by the sudden change in the other one’s voice. The man’s whisper was low and sent shiver down his spine.

‘A moment. Give me a moment’ he barely was able to speak and it was almost painful when he had to get up to find something, anything that could be useful. The fact that he noticed the other man frowning at his actions didn’t help at all. He was almost ready to scold himself for not being prepared, when he found a little jar of vaseline that he used for a dry skin on his hands.

In seconds Collins was back on the bed, kneeling between the other one’s legs. The next kisses they shared seemed almost desperate, as if both of them wanted to show all the commitment and longing that was accumulating in them for years now ready to explode. Farrier was far more desperate for his touch than he had ever been. He was craving for the touch so badly that Collins had to keep him still, to let himself prepare him well. When it came to their intimacy, Farrier was never the one who could keep his impatience on the leash.

‘I am not made of porcelain, love…’ whispered the older pilot and this sentence was enough to make Collins feel his eyes burning a little because of the tears in the corner of his eyes. He had to nestle his face in the man’s neck to calm down a little. Because for him porcelain was exactly what Farrier was made of. And just a few minutes ago he had some example of how fragile the other man was.

It took Collins awhile to pull himself together. He rested his hands on both sides of Farrier’s head so that he could look the man’s in the eyes when he finally pushed himself into his lover’s body.

It seemed as if the world stopped for eternity when their bodies finally became one. Finally, after all those years of painful separation, their bodies were entangled the same way their souls were. And that made the world around them meaningless. Each able to find a happiness only in the other one's arms.

The younger man grabbed Farrier’s hand in his own and tangled their fingers tightly. It was enough to see him smiling with a little curve of his full lips and eyes so full of emotions. Every second their intimacy was becoming the more and more chaotic and intense. Every touch they shared was a mix of tenderness, rush and possessiveness. They’re urgent movements were accompanied with muffled moans and whispers. Everything made this moment precious and unrepeatable. No one could steal that from them.

When they finally fell in the crumpled sheets, their bodies still entangled, none of them wanted to move away as if they were afraid that that everything will suddenly disappear, go away in an instant. But when the rain stopped they were still there, breathing heavily against each other’s skin, trying to calm down.

‘I… I think I am the happiest man in the world having you back, William…’ whispered the blonde pilot, leaning to kiss the other man’s forehead, then slowly move his lips to lay a kiss on his closed eyelids.

‘Didn’t I say I will always be back? It took me some time, but… Glad you’ve been waiting.’

*

Even though Collins wanted to go to the coast in the evening, the idea collided with reality when another thunder and rain was tearing the sky apart. He didn’t want to risk taking the other one out on that weather.

The next day they started with a breakfast in a bar nearby. Farrier was a little tense at the beginning when they sat at one of the empty tables. Collins had to make an order for them two because he didn’t seem like speaking to a waitress.

‘They look’ he said even though no one was looking at him when he tried to raise a cup of tea with his trembling hand. At first Collins wanted to help him, but decided not to intervene – Farrier tightened his lips when a few drops of the liquid fell down on the plate.

‘They don’t’ Collins ensured him with a soft voice.

No one was looking, even the waitress. They must have seen enough so that one lost soldier didn’t take much of their attention. When the girl brought their order, Farrier blinked at his table and looked at his lover confused. He didn’t listen to younger man placing the order.

‘It brings back the memories, don’t you think? But they didn’t have any peanut butter, sorry’ Collins laughed quietly, running his finger trough his blonde hair.

‘It’s the first decent meal I’ve had for years’ said the older pilot and this one sentence was enough for Collins to feel sorry for him. Again. Luckily he could shove a portion of his pancakes into his mouth to avoid the look he was about to have on his face. ‘The food in this nursing place had no taste.’

‘I have a bad news for you then. My cuisine tastes no better, I can barely make boiled eggs. My specialty is cooking food to be… raw.’ Farrier laughed at his words and this time Collins had felt his heart beating faster at this sound. He loved how the corner of his eyes would wrinkle when he was laughing. It made him look few years younger, he could almost see that man he met years ago on the RAF training grounds.

Two cups of tea later he seemed a bit more relaxed. He was smiling and laughing as the younger man insisted that they should go to the cinema when they would pass by London. Collins wanted to see some of Hitchcock’s movies and the older pilot was sceptical about it.

They were sipping their coffees when a little girl approached Farrier, poking him gently in the arm. The man shuddered at the unexpected touch, but when he saw a cute light haired kid, looking at him with big eyes, he only bit his lips and looked at Collins perplexed. She looked as if she was five or six year old.

‘Were you a soldier, sir?’ asked the girl slowly. She seemed as if she had to focus on every syllable for her voice to sound clear. Slowly, he nodded at her question. The reply she got from him seemed to satisfy her because she smiled widely. ‘Were you a brave soldier, sir?’

Even though the little girl asked this with an innocent voice and no means to offend him, the question made Farrier look lost, so Collins rushed to help him.

‘He was a very brave soldier, little princess. Like the knights from old legends’ he said and that answer seemed to make her happy.

‘Like the knights?’ her eyes went bigger at Collins’ words. ‘So did you have a white horse and fight with the evil, sir?’

‘No, not the horse, little princess. He had a dragon. A dragon that breathed fire and glided through the sky with its big wings.’

‘A dragon?’ the little girl smiled widely at Farrier, visibly excited with the reply she got. She took her hands from behind her back and hold out her little hands to him. She was clenching her fingers on a little blue flower. ‘It’s a [starflower](http://aromawellbeing.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/borage-borago-officinalis.jpg), sir dragon soldier. Mum says it’s the symbol of courage. She says that we should be proud of our soldiers because they’re bravery made us safe. So it’s for you, sir dragon soldier’

Farrier looked up at Collins, clearly confused. He didn’t know how to react, so the younger man encouraged him with a warm smile, nodding slightly.

‘T-thank you… Little princess’ he repeated after his partner, a little awkwardly and took the flower from the kid.

Farrier was looking at the little girl, not sure what else to do, but luckily his confusion stopped by the sudden appearance of the kid’s mother.

‘Amy? Why would you disturb those gentlemen here? I’m not keeping an eye you for a moment and you’re not at the table anymore’ the young woman sighed heavily and stopped by their table to grasp the little girl’s hand.  She gave them an apologetic look. ‘I’m sorry for her. I hope she didn’t bother you much, sirs.’

‘No, no problem at all’ replied Collins with a smile and patted the little girl’s head.

‘Goodbye, sir dragon soldier!’ the girl stopped to wave at him when her mother turned to lead her back to their table.

Farrier was looking awkwardly at the little blue flower in his hand and then looked again in the direction of little girl. It took him good few minutes to be able to say anything and Collins gave him that time by going to the bar counter to buy them some meal for further journey.

‘Let’s go, dragon soldier’ he whispered and laughed quietly because after all that awkwardness Farrier actually smiled at him.

They were back to a car and Collins took the map out of his backpack to make sure he was going in the right direction. This time, after a decent night of sleep, Farrier was able to actually accompany him during driving. He tucked a flower behind his ear which reminded Collins how the other one used to act when they met.

Farrier took the map in his hands, navigating the driving man. It seemed as if Farrier knew the South-Western coast quite well, which wasn’t a surprise for Collins. With every kilometre they were actually closer and closer from the other’s one family home. Farrier recognized some little towns they passed and told him little stories from his teenage years.

They stopped the car about two hours later and left it on the scarp – Farrier had refused looking for the way around to the sea. The place that Collins had chosen to show him was actually close to the border of national park. He wanted this seaside to be a calm, soothing place with no important seaport around. Collins never visited this place, but he had done some asking to make sure it would be the right place. The nature and the sea was what Farrier needed right then.

The route they’ve walked down was quite steep, but Farrier didn’t mind. If Collins was trying to be cautious, in the middle of their way Farrier decided their pace was too slow. And even if he seemed weakened for the past days, he rushed down, ignoring Collins who asked him to slow down. The only thing the younger one could do was to run straight after him. They were both breathing a little faster when they made it to the sandy beach, drenched in blinding light of a midday sun.

The gentle breeze they felt on their faces was cold, but Farrier didn’t seem to mind. He closed his eyes and smiled to himself at the soothing smell of salt in his lungs. Finally he could take a deep breath that made him a little dizzy, but it also didn’t seem any problem to him. Farrier laughed softly when the younger man clenched his fingers in his shoulder to make sure he won’t fall down. The sea air could make his head spinning, but he loved that feeling.

‘Don’t even think of swimming today. It’s too cold. You’ll get sick and I don’t want you sick’ Collins whispered into his ear.

‘Always so protective’ Farrier laughed at his serious tone. ‘I don’t intend to swim today, love. I don’t like to see you worried… Don’t deny it, I can see that you are worried.’

He kneeled down in the sand and looked up at Collins – the other one needed a few seconds to realize that Farrier wanted him to sit beside. And so he did, only to find the older pilot gently tangling their fingers together in a discreet space between them.

‘I had to burn it’ his voice was almost audible. He tightened his fingers so hard that it was almost painful for Collins, but the man didn’t say anything, letting the other one say all he wanted to say. If Farrier was about to open up before him, he had been willing to listen. ‘My Spitfire. I landed on the beach and I knew that it has to be gone before the enemy would find me. The flare. I shot it with a flare gun and watched it exploding. I stood on this beach, watching my plane burning in a red glow of devouring it fire. And then they surrounded me. I thought they would have me killed instead of taking me to the camp. You were the last thing on my mind before they hit me to collapse, James Finley Collins.’

The younger man was silent, stunned by his words. He thought that he was able to bear all of his memories keeping himself cool, but every piece of his flashbacks made him feel as if someone was pulling his heart out of his chest. He squeezed his eyelids tightly not to show him that the tears wear gathering in the corners of his eyes. He’s actions turned up useless, because Farrier easily noticed what was going on. And that time it was him who embraced the younger man and kissed him gently in the forehead.

‘I’m here so you’re not supposed to cry’ he lifted Collins’ chin to make the younger man look him in the eyes. ‘ I’ve seen enough tears and so much sorrow that I would give anything not to see any tears in your beautiful eyes. I want to see this bright smile of yours as often as it’s possible. Stop crying… Could you? For me.’

Collins bit his lips and nodded at his words, trying to reassure him with a smile.

‘For you’ he repeated wiping the tears with the sleeve of his shirt and ran his fingers through Farrier's hair to kiss him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The sonic torture that Farrier describe in this chapter is actually based on rumours of Albert Speer's sonic weapon.  
> During WWII, when Germans were about to lose war, Speer's claimed that his weapon was able to create a deafening sound that could which could kill people in the 100 yards distance after about 30 seconds by making their internal organs repeatedly compressing and releasing. I don't trust Internet articles completely on that so I've tried to find some reliable historical sources in the Internet, but I guess that this time the answer will probably wait in the library.
> 
> Anyway - as a writer I highly appreciate your feedback, so I'll be more than happy to read your thoughts :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so... It's finished. It took me some time, but it's finished.  
> Exploring those two characters... It's been a journey!  
> And if you liked to explore this journey with me, I'd be happy to get some feedback from you,dear Readers ;)

 ‘You’re taking me to my mother’ said Farrier, sipping his coffee. Collins was looking at him sceptically. If he thought that the older man would stop drinking his coffee when it was still so hot as if it was boiling, then he was wrong. Collins couldn’t even touch the hot cup while the older man had his cup half empty already.

They stopped at some roadside bar to have a coffee and because Collins needed some break from driving. The blonde would go further, but Farrier was the one more reasonable then and seeing him rubbing his eyes far too often, decided that it’s time to stop.

‘Yes. You need to see her’ the blonde smiled at him. After a few seconds he pushed his plate to Farrier, pouting. There was an apple pie on it. ‘I can’t eat it anymore. Too sweet. Want some?’

‘You didn’t tell her yet, did you?’ asked the older man. He ignored the question about the cake. He didn’t have to be asked twice even thought he just finished eating his cheesecake.

 ‘When would I? I’ve been with you for the whole time’

‘But you’re not staying for a night.’

‘No, Hugh. Take your time with your mother. She has only you left.’ Collins’ voice was firm and soft at the same time.

‘She will be okay with you staying’ he started with the same argument he told the other one when they were talking on the beach and Collins shook his head again. Farrier sighed heavily. Probably the only reason he didn’t continue the topic was the name Collins used. His middle name. The younger pilot was the only person who used this name and liked it as well. Farrier didn’t like the name, saying it was too old-fashioned. But heard from Collins’ it brought back good memories. ‘You haven’t told me yet what are you doing now. Do you work? What will you be doing when you leave today? I might not have been the best listener lately, but… I want to know things about you.’

There was a long silence between them before Collins decided to reply at his question:

‘I… I’m not exactly happy about what I do.’

‘So you do something. That’s a start’ he encouraged the younger one. Maybe the bar wasn’t the best place for a talk, but they had worse places for spending their time together. Especially now when it seemed that a few days of being separated was about to happen. They got a table at the back corner of the bar. The place was almost full so the ramble of voices created a perfect space for them to talk privately.

‘Year ago when I went back home from war I wanted to stay in air forces. You know they keep going, right?’ his smile seemed a little bitter and Farrier had found himself didn’t like it. ‘Once you get off the ground, you never want it to stop. I wanted to fly again, hit the sky with my plane again, train and become as good as you were. But they didn’t let me. I didn’t pass the psychological examination.’

‘But… You’re the sanest person I’ve met since I’m back’ he whispered, looking at the other man a little confused. Collins had had his moment but it was usually because he was affected with Farrier’s words.

‘Can’t help it. They probably didn’t want to risk my mind collapsing in the middle of a mission.’ another bitter smile made Farrier’s heart ache a little, but he nodded at his words. He would be a fool expecting that the war didn’t affect him. ‘It took me three months to pull myself together and start doing something. I’ve helped my parents running their shop. A small jewellery workshop in Edinburgh. Dad makes necklaces, earrings and stuff… The only things I can do there is to weigh things or make notes, making sure that the cash is right. He tried to teach me how to make jewellery when I was younger but it was a waste of silver’ he laughed nervously and took a sip of his coffee. ‘So I wanted to make myself useful again and I’ve started teaching kids playing violin while… while studying. So that I could get a music teacher licence. I was pretty good at violin and… You know… You never forget how to play.’

‘I don’t know, Fin. Can’t play any instrument’ Farrier smiled at him, suddenly feeling the urge to just touch the younger’s man hand with his finger. He wanted to show him some support, just like Collins did for him. ‘I remember you mentioning playing violin. You were actually the first violinist I’ve met. But a teacher? That’s rather… Unexpected.’

‘Everyone makes unexpected choices after the war. I would gladly go back to piloting, but since I can’t and… I can’t rely on military pension forever so… Teaching music is reasonable choice. It takes years to get specialization in a different, more complicated area.’

Farrier hummed at his words. That sounded reasonable. Amongst them two Collins always seemed the one more reasonable while Farrier sometimes was the one hot-headed. Collins was the man of future, Farrier usually focused on the present. Still bewildered with the fact that Collins had found him, he didn’t give any thoughts about starting a normal life. He was feeling anxious just thinking about what his next steps should be and just the presence of the other man made him feel more confident about the future.

‘I think I’ll get a teaching certificate next year’ he added and bit his lips. ‘I was thinking of moving out from my parents when I’ll get it. London, Glasgow, Manchester… I really don’t know. Especially now.’

‘Now?’ Farrier blinked his eyes, watching the other one questioningly.

‘Now that you’re back’ Collins specified and smiled slightly, this time the way that made the older pilot’s heart beat a little faster.

‘Oh’ he gasped at the sudden realisation. ‘You mean that me… You… That we… That maybe…’ he seemed lost because of the words he had just heard and gasped as he felt the other man’s hand on his own. It was only a few seconds, a small gesture that would mean nothing for someone else, a gesture that could not give them away, but for Farrier this short touch was enough to get his dismay on the leash.

‘Hold on, dove. I’m not proposing you yet’ Collins lowered his voice so that only the other one could hear him speaking. He laughed quietly and Farrier had found himself feel the slight heat on his cheeks. He never blushed. Until he met Collins in the army. Collins didn’t need to say anything embarrassing or provocative to make him blush. It was more about saying something that made Farrier feel important. ‘Shall we go?’

At first, Farrier wanted to protest, but he nodded at the other’s man words eventually and got up. He didn’t like that fact that Collins was about to leave soon, but some part of him knew that the younger man was right.

He hid his hands in the pockets and followed the blonde man to the exit of the bar.

‘Can I drive?’ he asked, watching as the other one open the car.

‘Huh?’ Collins looked at him, visibly surprised at the question. ‘I would let you drive, but do you have a driver’s licence with you?’

‘A licence?’ at first he looked at Collins confused – it took him a few seconds to sigh and give up. ‘Right. Only got my identity card, the correct one this time.’

‘I’ll let you drive next time’ he smiled and gently patted the other one in the arm. ‘I don’t want you to get a fine. Not a best way to start driving after some time, don’t you think Hugh?’

Farrier hummed at his words. After coming home he had a few responsibilities to think of. Documents, the physician again, the city hall, even some report to the army as if his long captivity wasn’t enough. He got into the car and reached out to the backseats to grasp Collins’ jacket. He was feeling a little cold so he covered himself with it and closed his eyes.

The jacket smelled like Collins – the characteristic aftershave and perfumes. He didn’t remember smelling perfumes on his skin before. It would be useless during war. So he enjoyed that mix of fragrances – something sweet and dark at the same time, a little earthy. Sometimes it reminded him the smell of freshly cut wood, sometimes he could feel mint.

He wanted to talk with Collins, he wanted to listen to him and use the time left to his leaving as much as it was possible, but the next time he opened his eyes, the engine of the car was already quiet. The vehicle was parked right in front of the fence that surrounded his family home.

‘Do you think she’s home?’ he asked, suddenly feeling a little breathless. What was she thinking of him? Did she already bury him? Did she have any hopes left…? A little panic attack that was about to happen was prevented with a gently touch of Collins’ fingers on his hand.

‘Listen, Hugh’ the blonde man leaned to him and looked him straight in the eyes. ‘Listen to me, Hugh. The moment you enter that house, she becomes the happiest mother in the world. The moment she sees you and realise that her long gone son is alive, she becomes the happiest mother in the world. What she thought doesn’t matter anymore. What does matter is that you are here. That you made it alive.’

‘But… Come with me. Even if only for a moment. Please. Do not leave yet.’

He saw that. Collins would argue with himself, as if he wasn’t sure what to reply, but he agreed to that. Farrier got out of the car the moment Collins agreed. He straightened up and bit his lips, looking at the wicket-gate. He waited for the younger man to stop behind him before he opened it. The old trick he always used still worked on that damn thing. No one had repaired it even after all this time. He never did that, always finding some excuses.

Knocking at the door he didn’t notice how Collins would stop in the middle of the way with no intent to interrupt that moment.

Farrier clenched his fist as he heard some rustle behind the door. Was she home? Could it be someone else? There were thousands of thoughts in his head and suddenly his mind became blank when the door opened and he saw his mother. Silence between them seemed like eternity. The woman’s eyes went bigger as she realised who the man standing before her was. Farrier had found himself being unable to breath.

‘I’m back, mum…’ was all he had whispered before he felt her arms around his waist. It wasn’t even seconds when he felt her tears. He embraced her shaking form, realising how frail and fragile she became. One look was enough to realise that she wasn’t the same person he remembered. She seemed even smaller than he remembered her. Her beautiful black hair went gray and her eyes lost their glow. 

They stood in the doorway, both lost in emotions. Her tears seeped through the material of his shirt as her breath become uneven and her thin fingers clenched on his shoulders as if she wanted to stop him beside her even though he had no intention to go anywhere.

‘My child…’ her voice broke down and Farrier felt his own eyes watering at the sound of it. ‘At first… I’m sorry I didn’t believe you’d be back, my boy’ she whispered with a shaky, barely audible voice. There was a grief in her voice, she seemed ashamed of the fact.

The woman moved away from him slowly to the distance enough for her to take the pilot’s chin in her fingers, watching him closely. As if she was analyzing every detail of his face, comparing him to the man she once remembered. His skin was paler than ever, there were more wrinkles in the corner of his eyes, his hair was thin. There were some small, barely visible scars on his face and she was sure there were more scars left on his body. But he was alive.

‘You are so thin, William. Like all those boys returning from war’ she noticed, not able to hide some sorrow in her voice. She lifted her hand to wipe the tears from the corner of her eyes. It didn’t help. There were even more tears. ‘And then one day this boy stopped by and… He gave me hope. I don’t even know if he had some hope left, but… Somehow I knew he would find you. He cared about you and I thought that you would not disappear from this world because he was still waiting for you. And it’s not the way you are to disappear. I was hoping to see you at least once. And you are. In one piece. So alive. I couldn’t pray for more, my child. I’m so happy.’

Farrier smiled at her. His smile was weak, but it expressed more than the man was able to put into words. He had a lump in his throat when she let him home. She was looking at him with such pride he would never even imagine. She was proud because he came back. Because he was standing in front of her. She was happy not because he saved people’s life, not because he could be called a hero, but because he came home and he was alive. She was happy for not being amongst all those mothers that had to live through their kids’ death.

‘I’m back, mum. Alive’ he didn’t resent her for losing hope in him.

He would also lose hope if he didn’t have someone significant to think of. On those worst days of being in the camp he had found it difficult to believe that Collins survived the war. At the same time the thought of the other man kept him alive, because he never let those thoughts overcome him. He knew that the moment he acknowledges the fact that Collins is dead, he would be dead either.

‘Is that him, William?’ she asked, looking away at the man standing by the wooden fence.

He was different the last time he was there. He had grown a beard and looked a little older back then. She had some troubles with recognising him from the distance, but something about him seemed right as she remembered.

‘Invite him in if you want. It’s getting cold. You both look exhausted’ she whispered, opening the door wider. 

The man nodded at her words. At first Collins seemed as if he wanted to refuse, but he didn’t. They went inside together and when the door closed behind them, Farrier could feel a gentle brush of the other one’s finger on his own. Feeling his gaze, the older man lifted up his hands to wipe off the tears from his face, but stopped in the middle. Collins had seen him crying, he comforted him when he couldn’t even breath at the memories that was rushing through his mind. There was nothing about tears to be embarrassed with this man next to him.

‘Ms. Farrier’ the blonde bowed slightly at her. He was a little taken aback when she grasped his hands.

‘You got him to me. And for that I thank you, boy’ she left him speechless with the gratitude he could so clearly hear in her voice.

‘N-no. He made it, Ms. Farrier’ he whispered and bit his lips at the look he got from his lover’s mother.

‘You made him survive, boy.’

He was shocked how open she was about it. He was shocked how well she understood what was between them and how she realised exactly what Farrier had told him just a while ago.

Collins had only stayed for a dinner, he didn’t want to interrupt the time they needed to sort things out. They had a short moment of deep emotions but he was sure it wasn’t enough yet.

Even though Farrier wanted Collins to stay for the night, the other one refused to that. What he didn’t refuse was to go out for a few minutes when the other one asked him. The younger man said goodbye to Farrier’s mother and let the man lead him the seashore that he had seen once from the window of his room. This place was nothing like the one they had visited that morning. Instead of sand there was a grassy shore with white flowers hiding in all this greenery. Just as he expected, Farrier lead him to the end of the pier that went far into the sea.

They both sat at the edge of the pier and Farrier couldn’t help but smile. It was reminding him one particularly careless memory they shared. Even if any of those memories from the times of war shouldn’t be called careless, that one seemed like that. But this time they could feel safe, it seemed there was no longer any danger waiting for them.

‘You will be back, won’t you?’ asked Farrier, trying to hold his voice so that it would remain calm, but there was a note of anxiety Collins could easily recognise.

‘I didn’t look for you to leave you now, Hugh’ replied the other man and gently stroked his hand. ‘I have some things to sort out. You also do. I will be back soon, I promise.’

‘Were you thinking about making a life with me?’ the older pilot asked and bit his lips as if he was afraid of the answer. There were moments when the answer seemed obvious to him, but he was terrified that his vision was egoistic. That he couldn’t make his beloved one live with him through all the nightmares that were haunting him.

‘My intensions for you have not changed since the war’ there was a long silence between them and Farrier was sure that the other one could hear how loud and fast his heart had beaten at those words. ‘They have only just become a little more realistic’

Collins laughed at his own words and gently took the man’s hand in his own to slowly kiss each of his fingers with his soft lips. Farrier noticed how he looked around as if checking whether there was someone looking at them – if he let himself make this little gesture the man could be sure that no one was looking.

‘I will be back and we will sort things out together’ he promised. Even if Farrier didn’t know what to expect from the future, Collins’ smile was enough to make him a little less nervous about it.

Farrier almost forgot to ask about any home address – Collins was surprised as the question and for the moment Farrier thought that that was it, the end, but the blonde man laughed, saying that not giving it himself was silly of him. He had found a piece of paper and filled it with his clear, but a little spaced out handwriting. He promised to be back and Farrier believed him.

Looking at the leaving car, Farrier had a strange feeling that he didn’t make a good use of the time they’d shared. Although he tried to.

*

At first Farrier had to go to the town. It was a strange experience to get into the bus and feel everyone’s curious looks. In his hometown everyone knew each other. So people asked. People stared and people whispered behind his back. During his first trip he wanted to jump out of the window. Luckily for him he had only twenty minutes to his destination. On the way back he met his old teacher and it was the only decent talk he experienced then.

He recalled Collins’ words as he tried to make himself useful. He didn’t think of any getting any work yet, he didn’t feel like meeting people he once knew on daily basis. So he did his best to help his mother. Their home needed some repair so he insisted to deal with it. He started with the wicket-gate, the thing he had always been dodging doing so.  He used new lock so that it couldn’t be so that he couldn’t use any trick to open it anymore. He had also spend one whole day painting the face blue because that was the colour his mother liked and it suited well with the facade of the house.

Then he went for bigger things. Like repairing the leaking roof. His mother appreciated all he did, but what she appreciated the most was his company. So he didn’t miss any meal together, he was glad to have her around, talking to him when he was busy with all the repairing things. He even accompanied her to work every morning.

He was surprised to discover that his old car was still in the garage. He had long forgotten about this car – he wouldn’t blame his mother at all if she had sold it. But it was there – a little rusty, but still working after changing fluids and replacing the battery. Using the car to visit the town instead of going by bus with all those curious people from neighbourhood was refreshing experience.

Ten days went by and Collins didn’t come back.

Fourteen days and Farrier was getting nervous.

On the day sixteen he said goodbye to his mother and got into the car to drive straight to Edinburgh. He was hoping that they would not pass each other, both going in the opposite direction.

Edinburgh wasn’t as big as he was imagining. The second person he asked in the town was able to explain him where to go to find the workshop of Collins’ parents. He thought that on this time of a day he might find him there.

He parked his car on the street and left it to stop by the window of the workshop. There was a big metal sign on top of the door with the other man’s family name on it. He made it then. Discreetly he looked into a car mirror to make sure he looked any decent. Well-shaved, in a favourite leather jacket he found deep in his wardrobe. He even gained some weight so the fact that he used to be a soldier was not the first thing that came to one’s mind when looking at him.

Farrier bit his lips at the annoying sound of the bell that rang when he opened the door. And then he saw him. And then the world stopped. Collins was there, standing behind the counter, simply explaining something to a customer when the pilot entered the store.

‘Good morning!’ the younger man greeted him smiling and then looked up. His eyes widened at the sight of Farrier.

‘Good morning’ the pilot stammered quietly in a reply, not even able to take eyes of the other man. Oh, how he missed him. It was actually the first time he saw Collins dressed up in such a casual yet elegant manner. White shirt fitted nicely with his light skin while rolled sleeves and black suspenders gave a little cheeky impression of him.

Collins fell into an awkward silence with his middle-aged customer who just a few seconds ago was babbling about the perfect gift for her daughter. She didn’t seem to notice any change in his behaviour though the blonde man followed the unexpected guest of the shop for a few seconds. He cleared his throat and smiled at her again.

‘Why don’t you give yourself some time, Ms. Cunningham?’ he asked kindly. ‘You have at least a month for Grace’s wedding, so there’s no need to make such rush decisions.’

The woman looked at him as if he told her something remarkably revealing which in fact he didn’t. He tried to explain that to her for half hour, but it clicked just then.

‘Oh, James, you are right. Always so helpful. I will ask her best friend. She might know better than I do’ she thanked him once and then again before she let him put the necklace back into its place.

‘Please take your time, Ms. Cunningham.’

The woman was about to leave, but stopped once again to ask him another questions. Farrier was a little surprised to see how much charm and patience the man had. When the bell rang and the door closed, they were finally alone.

‘You are here’ gasped Collins and stepped out from behind the counter. Before he even managed to think logically, he wrapped his arms around the older one to feel him closer, even if just for a moment. He stepped away far too quickly, realising what he was doing. Farrier was well aware that this gesture wasn’t too smart, but still regretted when the warm feeling was gone.

‘It’s been sixteen days’ he said, trying not to sound accusingly, but yet he did.

‘I-I…’ the pained expression on the blonde’s  face made him feel terrible. ‘I was about to come on Sunday. I had exam and… I couldn’t postpone lessons with the kids again and again. Did you got my letter at least?’

‘A letter?’ Farrier blinked at him, confused, and shook his head.

‘Post these days…’ the younger man sighed heavily and looked at the watch on his wrist. He seemed to be thinking of something for a moment, before he just walked to the door to hang up a sign saying that the shop was closed already. ‘Missed you, Hugh.’

‘I missed you too’ replied the older man. ‘Sorry, I didn’t want to be mean. It’s just… I was afraid you won’t be back. You could be scared and… You have every right to be scared.’

‘But I am not, Farrier.’ Collins answered with a serious voice. He used his last name so it was enough to make the older pilot sure, that he meant it. He couldn’t stop himself from leaning close to Farrier – so close that he could almost feel the man’s breath on his lips. This gesture appeased the earlier seriousness. ‘Give me a few minutes, would you? I’ll finish some papers and we will talk.’

Farrier nodded at his words, watching as the other one pulls out some catalogue from the cabinet and puts it on the table, reaching for the pen. Collins had some registries from the day to make, so the pilot decided not to interrupt him and take a look at the workshop.

There were five glass jewellery display cabinets in the shop. It was difficult not to admire the glittering gemstones decorating rings and pendants. There were no products that looked the same. Everything was one of a kind – he could even notice small differences in pairs of earrings. Fancy decorations carved in silver attracted him even more than that. Shapes were complex, full of so many tiny details that he could believe in Collins’ story about his failed attempt in the art of creating jewellery. The most impressive piece of jewellery he noticed was a necklace with a pendant made of tiny mosaic tiles. He also smiled at the sight of one of the rings – the stone used for it had the same shade of blue as Collins’ eyes. He wished he could have any idea to identify the gemstone.

‘Shall we go?’ asked the younger man, putting his hand on Farrier’s arm.

‘Yeah…? But where do you want to go?’ he looked at the other man a little confused.

‘My place’ the reply was meant to be brief one, but Farrier’s questioning look was enough to make him explain a little further. ‘I don’t live with my parents anymore. I rent a small bedroom with a kitchen. Nothing fancy, the view from the window is terrible but… I don’t feel comfortable around my parents anymore.’

Farrier was obviously surprised at how much his lover managed to take matters into his own hands and organize his life quite well. Comparing to that, Farrier shrugged at the mere thought of working with some strangers. He wished he could develop such strength as the other one.

The flat was indeed a small one, but Collins managed to keep it tidy. Farrier didn’t know whether it suited to his definition of cosiness or it was just the fact that it was Fin’s place and even though he just went inside, he suddenly felt as if he was home. He left his jacket on the coat hanger and looked around. At first he noticed a gramophone and a small collection of vinyl. There was a mess of sheet music on the table. Farrier could barely read notes, but still he took one sheet in his hands and smiled as he recognised the title of one work from ‘The Swan Lake’.

‘Got you a tea’ Collins placed two cups on the table, carefully not to spill the hot liquid on the notes. ‘Are you hungry? I can make some… Eggs. Or an oatmeal. Recently I’ve become a specialist at making oatmeal.’

‘No, tea is fine by me’ he replied as his eyes were still wandering around the place to find was he was looking for, the violin. He realised that he liked the fact that Collins’ fingertips was so hard because of playing. He felt more real thanks to it, because there were days when Farrier would doubt that someone so special could in fact appear in his life. ‘Could you play for me?’

Collins looked at him a little bewildered. He wanted to say something and Farrier got the impression that the man was looking for some excuses, but after a few seconds of something that seemed like quarrelling with himself, he nodded.

‘Can I kiss you first?’ asked Collins and the older man flushed at the question. He had no idea how they were able to keep their relationship secret from the other soldiers when he was blushing at the most innocent questions.

‘There is no need to ask’ before he even had a chance to say something more, he gasped feeling their lips crashing into a deep, passionate kiss. They kissed longingly as if those three weeks that passed were actually years without seeing each other.

When Collins moved away, visibly unwillingly, Farrier was still clutching the soft fabric of the man’s shirt. He stole one more short kiss and withdrew a little, watching as Collins took the violin in his hands.

The instrument itself looked like a work of art, made of cherry lacquered wood with silvery patterns on the waist and dashingly carved scroll. Collins was holding it with such gentleness that it was obvious that the violin was his little treasure.

Farrier watched the other man as he took the bow in the other hand and rested his chin on the surface of the violin. There was a slight blush on his cheeks, as if he was a little embarrassed about playing before him. That view was perfectly charming for Farrier. He sat in the armchair and bit his lips, mesmerized. And the sound when firsts powerful notes were played and he had found himself stunned with it.

Collins, focused on playing, with his eyes narrowed and tangled hair, made a daunting impression. There was a passion and a strength in the whole his form. It reminded Farrier the first time he saw the younger man flying.

The younger pilot was in a group of rookies who were assigned to his team for training. Farrier never liked rookies, most of them were cheeky, constantly showing-off, claiming that they were flying for a long time before joining air forces. Usually those words turned out into nothing when they were flying into the air. He didn’t know that Farrier was there to assess their capabilities so he kept asking him different questions – about piloting during stormy weather, probability of breakdown and the equipment of the enemy.

Collins wasn’t the best at the beginning, but he was focused from the moment he was getting into the plane until the moment he landed his feet on the ground. He knew he had a job to do and he didn’t waste time to show off. He just did his job. And as the days passed he grew more and more confident in the air. Watching him gliding through the sky during the training was a spectacular show. And what Farrier loved even more was their shared races high above the earth.

The younger man’s fingers were touching the violin with such care that for a moment Farrier felt a little envious about this strange level of intimacy between Collins and the violin. The way he touched the instrument reminded him of the way the man touched him. Apparently subtly but also possessively.

His melody was powerful and sent shivers down Farrier’s spine. At first he could notice the captivating tone that permeated his skin. With every second the new emotions seemed to appear in the melody the man played for him. He could swear that the melody expressed some passion at the beginning. The violin sounded a little chaotic, but the music flowed through him, mingling with his blood and making his heart beat faster.

Then there was a sudden change in the rhythm. The chaos was gone replaced with longing. Even though the other man was standing before him, he felt as if someone was tearing his heart out of his chest. The new melody seemed a metaphor for the time they were apart. Sorrow, fear, the suspense – it must have been what they both felt when they couldn’t even guess if the other one was alive. It was also the feelings they shared for last days.

The next change in the melody reminded him of the first morning they spend together after years of being separated. There was a hope that reminded him a moment when he woke up just to see the blonde man watching him sleeping. He laughed at that explanation and Collins laughed either. There was nothing as wonderful as the sound of his lover’s laugh in the morning.

 ‘What was it?’ he asked when the violin fell silence.

‘I really don’t know. Just… A little improvisation. I have felt like playing like that.’

Farrier nodded and watched as the man gently laid the violin on its place in a leather case lined with a soft claret fabric. Collins grasped for a pillow and sat on the floor and it was then when Farrier realised why the table was so ridiculously low. The blonde used to like sitting on the floor since the other man could remember. Every time they would spend time in the quarters, talking to each other or with groups of the other, Collins would rather sit on the floor with his knees up to his chest. Just like then.

‘May I ask you a question, love?’ asked Collins, looking at him from above his cup of tea. Farrier nodded, noticing how his partner seem a little anxious about what he was about to say. ‘When I’ve found you, you had some book. And then we left and you took that book with you. I was wondering… Was it important?’

‘Oh. That book…’ Farrier bit his lip, suddenly feeling a little uncomfortable about that being mentioned. Collins was about to stop his explanations, but the older man shook his head to show him that it was okay, that he would speak about it. ‘The book is quite a brick, isn’t it? Eight hundred pages, I suppose. It belonged to one of the inmates in the camp. He was a scientist so they would bring him books, asking for his expertise. They killed him because one of their experiments went wrong because he gave them wrong details. He was gone, but some books were left. I… I used this book. Not to study, naturally. I use it… To write letters. To pretend I write letters to you’ he exhaled slowly at the memory. ‘I made encoded messages as if you could get the letters. As if… As if you wrote me back. It was insane, but it kept me sane. I wrote one letter and then, a few days later I used to write another one, trying to imagine what you would write me back. Sometimes I thought you would be angry at my words. Sometimes I imagined that you write back about going high in the air together. When I was brought back to England, I used to write as if you were promising to get me soon. It’s silly, I know. But it helped.’

Collins was silent and his silence made Farrier feel uncomfortable. He couldn’t undo his words and he started regretting telling him this. He was about to say something stupid, trying to make a joke out of this situation, but the younger man got up and stood before him. The blonde rested his hands on his shoulder. It took Farrier a few seconds to notice tears in the corner of his eyes.

Lately it had been so easy to bring them both into tears.

‘I don’t even know what theory I made up for this book, but certainly not this one’ he whispered and gave him a soft kiss in the forehead. His next words sounded serious. ‘What you were doing was not insane. As long as it kept you alive, it was the wisest thing in the world, do you understand? Don’t you dare thinking differently, love. I have you here and if those letters are the reason we can talk like this, then it was something good.’

The older pilot didn’t know what to say at those words so he just lift his hand and covered the blonde’s hand with his own. Even though Collins had seen him completely broken, he still did everything he could to support him. Even if he didn’t always know what to say, somehow his words were always the best ones he could possibly get, always making him feel better.

‘I love you, Hugh’ he reminded the man, giving him a subtle kiss.

‘And I just don’t know what have I done to deserve you…’  it was Farrier again who initiated the touch, pulling the man closer, deepening the kiss – desperately again as if he wanted to make sure that Collin still meant it.

The tea was left on the table forgotten when they fell into each other arms, both impatient. They couldn’t catch a breath, taking off each other’s clothes with shaking hands. If they were expecting something sweet and gentle this time, they were both wrong – both almost painfully thirsty for the intimacy. The words were useless and the time stopped again when they finally become one. Although they were safer than in any other time they could remember, they still acted as if someone could catch them.

They still had this strange feeling that they were stealing those beautiful moments from the world.

*

While Collins needed to get a teacher licence, Farrier tried to find a decent job. They met for two or three days once in two weeks, usually in Edinburg. During that time Farrier had met his partner’s parents just once. It didn’t feel right when Collins had to introduce him as old friend from army, the one who was gone after Dunkirk. It didn’t feel right, but they both knew it’s their only chance to keep their encounters going.

Trying to get a decent job, Farrier had also tried to apply to the air forces. And just like Collins’, his application was declined. It was a painful collision with reality that he was expecting. There was a moment when he realized that getting back to dealing with planes was not a good idea. How could he even consider joining the air forces again when the army was the reason why he lost a few years of his life? Somehow the planes have fascinated him ever since he remembered, but he never considered this fascination as something to do in his life. Before the war he preferred the chemistry. But he couldn’t bring himself to do something about it anymore. So instead of being reasonable, he decided to focus on what he knew best.

Farrier was the first to move to London. He rented a two-bedroom flat because that was what they considered that a wise solution. Collins joined him in London after four months and got a job as a teacher in music school.

Farrier wasn’t very happy to live in such a big city, but they both agreed to the fact that for the beginning it was the best place where he had the biggest chance to find a decent job that would satisfy them both. And they were right.

Thanks to an old army pal Farrier got good recommendation to get a job as a civilian plane mechanic. And it was a straight way to becoming a qualified aircraft mechanic of Royal Air Force only a year later.

Living under the same roof was not as easy as they imagined it would be. Having two completely different personalities in the same home required compromises from both sides, but after some time they were able to overcome most of the difficulties. After two years of living together they could have sworn that they knew everything about each other.

During war they could only imagine that they had a chance to share a domestic life. They tried to believe it back then, but it seemed unreal. Now they could only smile at the thought that they were both so doubtful.

They were the lucky ones. Making it so far together, being able to find happiness in each other’s arms. The fact that for the world they existed only as old friends from the army didn’t matter. Sometimes they got questions about marriage and having kids and they both felt uncomfortable about it. They also both had similar answers to those questions. Farrier would say that he did not feel strong enough to become a father figure yet. Collins would smile sadly and say that no woman would be able to bear his nightmares. He was surprisingly believable about that and sometimes Farrier laughed that indeed he was difficult to stand with and only the fact that he was a man was helping. People would give them those sorry looks saying that they were hoping for them to improve, doesn’t even realising the fact that both of them couldn’t be happier.

‘Why are you here?’ Collins frowned at the sight of Farrier sitting on the bench in front of the main door of the school he was working in. He was out only because he had to wait for a deliverer with stuff necessary for the school ceremony.

‘I was on my way back. Got you a dinner’ replied Farrier and simply gave him a linen bag. ‘And keys. You forgot the keys’ he said it so that anyone could hear that – if there was someone who could hear that.

‘What?’ Collins lowered his voice, looking at the keys with disbelief. ‘I can’t believe you have stolen my keys just to come here.’

The blonde man could bet that before leaving home he put his keys into the pocket of his jacket. Farrier was closing the door after him and he must have swiped it out then. And when Collins looked back on him again, the man was smiling, as if nothing had happened.

‘I would never steal anything from you. It just slipped away.’

If Collins hadn’t known him better, maybe he would believe that. Instead he just waved his hand at the older man, not in the mood for useless fight. He looked into the bag and smiled, grateful for a very late dinner. The last thing he ate was a sandwich for breakfast and he had not expected to have something before going home. He could not expect to go home soon, so there was no way to be upset at Farrier for a long time.

‘I don’t think I’ll be back before midnight’ he sighed heavily. ‘We’ve been preparing this ceremony for ages and nothing is ready. They haven’t even started a sound check yet.’

‘But you’re not playing’ Farrier looked confused. ‘Why would you have to stay for so long? Can’t you just go home with me?’

‘I wrote the whole damn thing, Hugh. I can’t just go and let them ruin this all because the pianist just had fight with the conductor and suddenly both of them act as if they didn’t know their job in this.’

‘Right, right. But this ceremony… It’s early tomorrow, right?’ Collins nodded at his question and looked around. The delivery man should already be there. ‘I want to take you somewhere tomorrow. And now… Well, going home. Try to come back before midnight.’

Collins tried, of course. But he couldn’t do much when first two hours of the sound check was wasted for fight, explanations and some more fight. He couldn’t understand how musicians, who fit so perfectly for this piece music, suddenly sounded so strangely at this. When he went back home, Farrier had already been sleeping. Knowing that the older man would have to wake up earlier than him, he went to sleep in a different room, only to wake up some time later and find Farrier wrapped tightly around him.

Just as the older man promised, he was waiting for Collins near the music school after the ceremony. Sitting in his car, he was tossing his dark glasses in his hands, visibly bored of waiting. Collins had no idea how much time the older man was waiting, but he preferred not to ask. He was lucky that his other half was usually the most patient person he knew.

‘So? Where are we going?’ Collins asked and seated himself comfortable on the seat next to Farrier. It was actually his turn to drive – both of them liked to drive instead of sitting on the passenger’s place, but he decided it wasn’t the best moment to remind him that.

‘You’ll see’ was the only answer he got as the other man run the engine.

The driving time was too long for Collins’ taste. Only after some time he got bored and turned on the radio, starting singing some popular songs that he recently heard his students playing. Farrier rolled his eyes, but the blonde could hear him humming some choruses that he would not even expect him to know. When Collins glanced him questioning looks, the older man would look offended and said that someone at work would always turn on the radio.

Collins wasn’t surprised to see that their destination was seashore. Farrier would take him there as often as he could and the blonde man had found himself having nothing against that. Actually he realised that the majority of the most important events in their life together had something to do with the sea.

‘Would you mind telling me anything or do I have to guess?’ he asked, stepping out of a car.

‘I’d rather show you.’

There was a slight grimace on Collis face when he had felt the cold breeze on his skin. If he knew that they were going to the seaside at this time of a year, he would definitely bring something to wear. Farrier didn’t seem cold at all, just like years ago when he could swim across the lake on late autumn.

Sometimes Collins had to agree that they spent so much time on the coast, they should rather move out closer to the sea. Farrier would be excited. But they had good jobs in London and they were happy about what they already had. And that was fine for that moment.

‘Wait, sunshine…’ Collins looked at the other man confused, seeing a black bandanna in his hands. He was surprised, but let the other man blindfold him with a soft fabric.

‘Isn’t it a little disturbing when you call me a sunshine and then tie my eyes?’

‘No. Not at all, sunshine.’

Collins was relieved to feel the other man’s hand on his arm as he followed him through the high grass of the coast. With every step they took, the grass seemed a little less dense and the sound of waves hitting the shore seemed louder. And then he realised that the surface of the ground below became harder, as if there was some asphalt. It made him confused. The sea was still close to them, but they weren’t on the beach. He was surprised when they stopped suddenly.

‘Focus, sunshine’ Farrier whispered into his ear and took his hand into his own to lift it up.

The blonde was about to say something, but instead he bit his lips surprised with the feeling of something cold beneath his fingers. He frowned and let Farrier lead his hand through the cool surface. They took one step on the left and Collins bit his lips, feeling the place where two plates of metal were connected together. He gasped at the sudden realisation when he bumped into something with his arm. Not even waiting for Farrier to explain he took of the bandanna and open his eyes widely at the sight.

There it was. A fighter jet so similar to the ones they once used, but made for two, probably trainer one. A proudly beautiful machine that was shining in the sunlight, making him breathless. It was real, polished with a care, painted with the same colours that were used for their Spitfires. It wasn’t a perfect machine, the surface under the precisely used varnish was a little rough, the point where it must have been hit, was visible if one looked at it closely. But still it was magnificent.

‘It’s real, isn’t it?’ he whispered, his voice trembling a little. Some people might think that after their war experience, they would never look at the plane again. Farrier used to say that once you hit the sky with a plane, you will always feel the need to fly up to the sun. ‘How…?’

‘We were supposed to repair it, but it’s been retired from service instead. So… I’ve decided to repair it myself. Getting permissions to have it took me more time than actually repairing it after my shift’ Farrier explained and gently brushed the metal surface with his fingers, smiling to himself. It was obvious that the older man felt proud ‘I couldn’t stop myself. When I saw the slight opportunity, I decided that I need this. And it’s ours now.’

‘Ours?’ Collins repeated after him through his clenched throat. He looked up to see Farrier nodding with a small smile that made his heart beat faster. ‘Have you been piloting it already?’

Farrier bit his lips and Collins didn’t need the answer to know that he had been flying. At some point he felt a little disappointed, but he knew perfectly well, that he would also do it before showing the machine to someone else.

‘Come on. Let’s give it a try together’ whispered the older pilot and nimbly he climbed into the cockpit of the plane. Even if Collins was a little bewildered by the view of the machine, the other one’s hand pulled out to him was enough to convince him. The blonde grabbed his partner’s hand and jumped the plane to seat at the front seat, surprised that the older man had left piloting to him.

‘It’s been ages…’ Collins looked around, not surprised to find a mask and realised that Farrier had already put it on his face. He couldn’t see the other one’s face, but his eyes were as expressive as he remembered, so he knew that the man was smiling.

‘I know that, Fin. But you couldn’t forget how to pilot this thing.’

Collins nodded in agreement. He could never forget that. Conquering the sky was the first thing that brought them together. At first they would spend hours in the air, training together, laughing through the radio.

The wind was good enough to start, the air seemed clear and there was no single cloud on the sky. He double-checked the dashboard to make sure that he could go up. He trusted in Farrier’s abilities and was sure that the repair was a success, but he was a pilot, he needed to be sure of everything himself. He was full of excitement when he had heard the sweet sound of running engine. He took a deep breath and bit lips, giving the machine time to accelerate. The moment the plane slowly went up, Collins had the feeling that the world was narrowed down to him and the plane. The machine went higher and higher with every second and Collins was amazed with the feeling of adrenaline rushing through his veins.

He straightened up the machine in the air and looked down, mesmerized with the view of the world below. Collins laughed aloud, feeling his heart racing in his chest.

‘Happy birthday, love!’ shouted Farrier and for a few seconds Collins had no idea what the other one meant by that. Collins had forgotten it, with his mind focused at the ceremony in the school. This cold October day was his birthday and Farrier decided to make him the most beautiful gift he could ever get. He decided to give him the feeling of real freedom. The air had been always making him feel free.

‘I love you!’ he shouted back. Did he ever had the chance to tell him those feelings so loudly? He didn’t. So he shouted again, laughing. ‘I love you, William Fitzhugh Farrier! I… I love you so much…’ one moment he was shouting and laughing and just a few seconds later he had felt tears gathering in the corners of his eyes. But he was still smiling. He was touched with this unexpected gift.

Collins landed safely on the ground in the same place from where he started. He didn’t open the glass cabin right away. What he did was to take off Farrier’s mask and grab him by his neck to kiss him eagerly. The kiss was short but full of emotion that went through him like a thunderstorm. When he set his foot on the ground, he was still trembling a little. But it wasn’t the end of their trip because Farrier had to take the plane back to the aircraft shed he kept the machine for the whole this time.

‘I’ve never expected I’ll have the chance to fly again, Hugh’ Collins whispered some time later when they were finally back in the car. Discreetly he moved his fingers over the man’s hand. He couldn’t stop himself from smiling. He couldn’t stop himself from gentle touches on the other hand when Farrier was driving.

‘That’s why you have me. To expect the unexpected, my love’ replied the older pilot and smiling at him.

When they made it home, Collins was laughing when it turned out that Farrier had also a sweet surprise for his birthday – a birthday cake that he must have bake himself in the morning. Collins was laughing, because it was more like a gift for the older man, who loved desserts more than he did.

Collins was surprised to hear the music outside in the evening. For a moment he had this silly thought that maybe, just maybe, it was the next part of Farrier’s plan – to make him melt with music. But that would be too much even for his partner who was so full of idea that moved him to tears. He stopped by the window, listening to the sound of the guitar outside and then looked at the Farrier – the man was half-laying on the coach, drowsing, clearly tired of driving. He even forgot to drink his coffee when it was still almost boiling hot.

‘A festival’ he assumed and smiled, looking at people on the streets below. He had no idea what was the reason for the event, maybe some cultural meetings, but he enjoyed the sound of music and the look of paper lanterns that people were lightning up.

He smiled when the drums joined the sound of the guitar. It took him a moment to notice the small stage in the back of the square. And then some powerful and warm voice sounded. He probably knew the song. It wasn’t his kind of song, but this evening it seemed perfectly good song. It was a bright song, the one with cheerful lyrics he would often find boring. Especially when he felt the drums sound so deep in his chest. The bright melody made him sway to the rhythm of the music.

He was smiling to himself, watching the colourful lanterns from the window in their small flat, when the light in the room was turned off. He looked around, a little confused, but just a few seconds later he had felt strong arms embracing him gently. 

‘Do you like it, Fin?’ asked Farrier, pointing out at the festival outside. Collins blushed, a little embarrassed. It was his own fault that the older man often laughed that he was such a connoisseur of music, that he would not appreciate something as simple as the street festival with music that made people outside dance. ‘Just tell me, please.’

The blonde muttered something difficult to understand and Farrier laughed, giving him a gentle kiss in the exposed arm.

‘Want to dance, love?’ Collins was ready to protest at the question, but didn’t any find words to do it when the older one turned in his direction.

So he wanted to dance, probably for the first time in the long history of their relationship. It had been his first dance for years and he felt a little awkward about what to do with his hands and how to act.

He nodded more to himself than to Farrier and put his hands on the man's shoulders letting him lead. Their rhythm was nothing like the music outside. Their rhythm could be slower, but it didn’t lack a passion. And it felt good, just the way they wanted it. Both of them felt safe like that, gently caressing the other one’s back and kissing.

The next song was far more energetic that the one before. It was so dynamic that it actually interrupted the calm rhythm of their slow dance and it was getting difficult for Farrier to keep the slow pace.

After some time the music outside went quiet. That was time for some speech but both of them couldn’t hear it very well from their window. The man who was speaking wasn’t speaking loudly. And then the fireworks burst out of the darkness, cutting the velvet blackness of the sky above with the vivid colours. People outside started clapping their hands at the mesmerizing look.

‘I guess that somehow we missed that there’s some holiday going on today… Or it’s just the fact that I am not the only one celebrating your birthday, love’ Farrier whispered into his ear, laughing.

There was a time when Farrier would be afraid of the loud sounds that firework made. There was a time when he would hide in the back of the room, terrified with the memories flowing through his head. There was a time when he would even cry at the loud fireworks sounds. But that times seemed long gone. He still remembered the things that had happened to him, but he was able to create a thick wall between him and the memories that made him unstable.

If Collins wasn’t so understanding and patient on every single moment when his own thoughts were eating him away, he would probably snap at all of those vivid images coming back to him. But he had Collins, always so caring, always so observant, being able to foresee the upcoming breakdowns and prevent it before they even had the chance to bloom in his mind.

‘I love you, dove’ he whispered into the other’s ear and smiled, watching the black sky covered with stars and another beautiful colourful fireworks spectacle. Collins smiled at him and grasped his hand into his own, gently kissing the man’s fingers with his soft lips. Farrier tilted his head to the site – the fireworks were even more impressive when he could watch it in his lovers’ eyes.


End file.
